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National Guard Drill Weekend Optional, Command Picnic Mandatory
MURFREESBORO, Tenn. — Some National Guard soldiers thought they had September off but instead faced mandatory fun days, sources confirmed. The National Guard had announced at the beginning of...
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Blue Force Tracker Becomes Self-Aware, Has Existential Crisis
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — A Blue Force Tracker system currently in use by U.S. troops for navigation and communication became self-aware Wednesday, and it’s now in the middle of an existential crisis,...
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Department Of The Army Diagnosed With ADHD
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of the Army has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) after failing to find a mission it both likes and will stick with, doctors...
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Soldier Dies From Massive Erection After Firing .50-Cal For The First Time
FORT LEONARD WOOD — An Army soldier attending basic training died from a massive rush of blood to his penis after firing the M2 .50-caliber machine gun for the first time, sources confirmed. Pvt....
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Opinion: Riding In A Humvee Always Gives Me A Boner
The following is an op-ed by that guy in second platoon that is a habitual over-sharer. Hey man! LT said Jones is out sick so it looks like I’ll be a dismount for your truck crew today. You know what...
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Op-Ed: I Sexually Identify As An A-10 Thunderbolt
The following is an opinion piece written by Spc. Herbert Pansing, US Army. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of Duffel Blog or the editors. I have finally found the strength to admit...
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ISIS Launches Salsa Night For Morale, Ends With 39 Beheaded
MOSUL, Iraq — The Islamic State (ISIS), has taken a play from the American military handbook by hosting a Salsa Night in Mosul, sources in the Caliphate confirmed. The event was intended for soldiers...
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Soldier Disappointed To Learn Jade Helm Not In Fact A Coup
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, Texas- A soldier participating in Jade Helm is disappointed to learn the military is not actually imposing martial law and taking over Texas, sources confirmed. Sergeant 1st...
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Veteran With PTSD Tells Neighborhood Not To Have Any Fun This 4th Of July
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Mike Tyler, an Army veteran who diagnosed himself with PTSD four years ago, is asking everyone to please respect his veteran status and forgo anything fun this Independence Day...
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Veterans Unsure Whether They Can Make Fun of Medal Of Honor Hero
THE INTERNET — Following an outspoken Medal of Honor recipient’s recent commentaries on politically-charged events, many veterans are conflicted over the acceptability of belittling someone who was...
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Jim Webb Promises Not to Kill Again if Elected President
LAS VEGAS, Nevada — Just hours after the Democratic Presidential debate was broadcast on CNN, Sen. Jim Webb (D-Va.) made a solemn vow to not kill again if elected President, sources confirmed. Webb, a...
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Good Idea Fairy revealed as O-3 in Pentagon basement
THE PENTAGON — The fabled “Good Idea Fairy,” once thought a joke or an urban legend, and often blamed for seemingly incompetent leadership by troops across the armed forces, has been found in a...
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Trump vows to learn identity of unknown soldier during Memorial Day speech
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump promised to learn the identity of the unknown soldier during a speech on Memorial Day. Though the speech was intended to salute fallen military members, Trump at...
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